Am I going the right way? Should I loot all seven million lootable objects in every given room just in case I need to craft something later from a broom and a colouring book? Am I knobbing the most ideal of all the knobbable whores in this brothel? I always feel paralyzed by things that are too open, like your mum's legs. Previous games left me kinda cold in the way those kinds of complex western RPGs often do. It was annoying to have to flip to the character glossary every other dialogue because ninety percent of the named characters are from previous games and listening to their conversation was like escorting a new girlfriend to her high school reunion, but I was only annoyed because this is the first time I've actually gotten somewhat into a Witcher game.
Even more so now it's the third in a series of epic world-changing adventures, and so Gerald seems to be more personally-acquainted with major political figures than a stray dog is with fire hydrants. Gerald is one secret makeout with Harry Potter away from being a self-insert fan fiction character. There's something terribly wanky about all this. Even though his only visible mutation is a pair of cool scary eyes, rather than anything disfiguring that might prevent him from macking on all the ladies who will want his beautiful white hair cascading over their hot titties like the foamy fast-flowing mountain stream it resembles. But his lot is a tragic one, as he is shunned by ignorant society because he had to undergo mutation to make himself really good at everything.
Gerald is a master swordsman, but can do magic as well, in a cool casual off-handy kind of way, not like how all those nerd mages twat about with it. Why don't they just call it Monster Hunter Thr- oh, wait. We return for the third time to the adventures of Rivery Gerald, a witcher, that is to say, someone who hunts monsters, not witches. Dwarf, I know you're only trying to compensate) and one good old-fashioned infinite loading screen, during which my calloused hands groped in vain for my twin swords Control and Alt, atop my trusty horse Delete. So what followed was an epic tale of framerate loss, long load times, weird glitches (stop floating two feet in the air, Mr. It seems all that huffing compressed air had caused me to hallucinate that I was in some marvelous other universe where all sense hadn't stampeded out of the triple-A games industry like a roomful of young women when Bill Cosby walks in.
At least on consoles, there's a certain guarantee of technical efficiency". "From what I hear, it's supposed to weigh on the hardware like a monkey swinging from a pair of distended nipples and my PC's not the spring chicken she used to be. "Let's just play Witcher 3 on PS4", I said to myself. For further information, look at a new console and rub shit in your eyes. This week, Zero Punctuation reviews The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt.Īnd now your regularly scheduled reminder that the new consoles are shit: the new consoles are shit. The Plight of the Mary Sue Character in Games